I dont know. Continue trying to do your own thing. Imagine how awful that was calling the OW and asking for answers as to why your H is acting crazy. I know you are desperate to save your M. I was too. And thats fine, I mean I dont even know. Im sure thats not what you want. It was so romantic. And do not mention the OW for now. I can kick him out for sure and maybe he will be sad for a few days, but im left completely devastated, thinking of all the good times we used to have. I would hope he would change his mind, but I just cant beg. I never told you I would leave you because you were in an affair. I did not want our kids to know and I was summer and they were not in school. K. I suggested the lawyer so you know your rights just in case. What would it be like if this was over? You didnt have to ask yourself, Why is Linda pulling away?, I wish I would have early on, just really worked on myself a lot more and said to myself, Okay. You have done everything possible you have tried discussing it. I told him he told me he would give me money weekly and finish the things around the house and he hasnt stuck to his word. When we fall in love our brains become bathed in a soup of phenylethylamine (PEA) a naturally occurring amphetamine. Then the next day he sent me a text after I left for work asking why I thought he was still speaking to her. I cant wrap my head around it all still. Hes very quiet and doesnt share much with me, so.. I have GOT to get a hold of myself. My question is this, Someone that is continually making the same poor decisions, will they come out of the FOG?? So now the OW wont even allow him to have anything to do with me, including any civil relationship so we can raise our kids. And then the fog lifts and you see a tunnel and man it is far better than that tiny ledge you are standing on so you run, straight into the tunnel. In one session, Jeffshares his view of the affair fog and how both the betrayed spouse and the unfaithful spouse can deal with it, while we asked questions and shared some of our experiences. It always seems to start as friendship and its like if they bite, (to any kind of online sex chat thing or whatever) he would bite back. Instead, I was all, Hey babe, so whats going on with you? Will he EVER come out of this fog he has created or is this just the new reality he has created? Or get him to see his mistakes. He made that choice. No yelling in front of them. You dont need to explain yourself. I never ever reached out to him again I ignored all his calls and emails to avoid any more lies I did not inform his wife I just couldnt do it she seemed so happy with her kid and him and I just didnt know what to do I feel bad I was lies to I never ever ever would date a married man not only did he say he was divorced for years he said he hopes to find the perfect woman for him and said I hope she exists and that he had not dated in a long time But I never told him I knew something told me she would maybe believe him and he would just lie to her about who I was but my god Im so happy I searched and looked into it asap within 3 months ! Appointment with a D attorney to find out what the laws are in your state and what you are entitled to. We havent had sex in almost 2 weeks, and I feel like when that stops its easier and easier to get into the friend role. Its called the Plan B. My wife began an EA after a trip out of town. If he cannot make that decision then you need may have to make it for him. He said no matter how hurt or upset he is, he shouldnt say rude mean things to me that arent true. You agree to his lifestyle he comes and goes when he pleases, you dont ask questions, he hangs out in the bars without telling you, he comes home and sleeps on the couch at whatever time he chooses and you are there with never a question or doubt if he is cheating. As previously mentioned, no two midlife crises will look the same, even among people of the same gender. Yeah, did not like that. Tell him your communication efforts are not working and you feel you need help resolving the differences and making things better in the future. 2. Because you do deserve better. My therapist saved my sanity and was a good fit. I still have flashbacks and remain on alert. You deserve better. I thought we turned the corner. But it is not ok for him to drag you down the black hole of indecisiveness with him. But hes not interested (right now). The affair fog is a mighty grip On reality for the cheater. I did not over react. You can only save your M and live happily ever after if one of two things happens; 1. I know I am a good wife, I know he has loved me TO DEATH until all of this, I know this OW in reality does not hold a candle to me. Had he pulled this crap before the baby I probably would have told him to kick rocks, get his shit together, and get back to me when he woke the hell up and realized what a mistake he was making. HORRIBLE. Your H exhibits addict like behavior. I feel like I have tried all of the above to get my CS out of the affair fog, its been 7 months and he is going strong with the OW. I told him his actions show he wants a different life, he wants to be in the bar most days after work, hanging out with people I dont know. The stress and anxiety was hard to face. You need to know WHO is leaving the house, you need to have a plan on some custody and visitation schedules, etc. Ignore what he tells lowlife losers. Ok then he has an affair 3 years ago. Leave me out of the equation. I would of course hope that one day he will open his eyes and see this for what it is and see how much trauma he has caused, but I really doubt it. Knowing what I know now, things would have been very very different. He didnt know what he wanted. Here are some most crucial signs of a midlife crisis that may help you to understand where you stand. But who knows. THATS PART OF THE PROBLEM..its so very frustrating. Ive been working in the office for a new site launch at work and it feels good to be with people, but everyday around 1-2pm I would get VERY emotional. But when Im aware of being hurt every day, that is a really difficult pain to get over. Nothing you said or did can justify or excuse him running to OW. Doug: Im sure that it was. Right now he is counting on you being a mess. But I also cant just live in limbo if he is giving me no inkling that we will have a future. If this works, it does, but Im going to prepare myself if I am not going to be in this marriage., I also wish I would have just said, You are in this affair. But its like I just continue on thinking okay maybe we can just be friends right now of some sort and then start our relationship over in a new way.But I just dont know the right moves to make living in the same house. I dare say he wont be home tonight either!!. Then they go back to their affair partner and talk about it. And when she told me they were s seeing each other it explained everything. Now I dont even know him. He needed to be shown the door. Its like, do I want to be my laid back self and just stop bringing everything up and just hope our connection can grow without all the anger and just push my fears aside and stop bringing it up and try to be patient even if he IS seeing her and just focus on us getting along for now. You can get past this. Work, go to the bar every day, and come home and see the baby, feel like im available even though he doesnt care all that much, and then do it again. But right now you are being manipulated and used. Best of luck keep posting -I honestly believe in my heart you are doing the right thing. Something triggers the thought of him and whats happening and all of a sudden I couldnt control my thoughts and my sadness. And the next day I had another t shirt on and he was like where are all these t shirts coming from?, bc theyre just old t shirts and he hasnt seen them on me before so hes curious. But this didnt fit the classic fog charateristics either. This will never work. I think at first he definitely wanted me to end it so he wouldnt feel bad about what he was doing, but now part of me feels like if I end it he will be angry but then a little sad and then just go out and find someone else. Park your car at the mall or similar place where you can disappear from him easily if hes the type that would follow you, because if he knows what youre doing and you spent the evening alone, hed be even more sure of your devotion and actually become worse than he already is. It pains me to think 1 year ago we were on a family vacation, I was pregnant, we were happy as ever. I would ask him why cant I get the CH to stop this or do that. He changed. It kills me every, single, day. This situation is unfair to you. It's when they have lost their home, friends, family, and above all else self respect. He texted me again the next morning asking when he could see the baby and I offered for him to see her that night, and he again apologized for the things he said to me. Right now you are fearful of losing him. BUT if he chooses to lie then the conversation is over. Either he has a serious drinking problem or many OW or something. Midlife Crisis: 11 Signs, Triggers & What To Do When It Happens I just dont know how much longer this can last. When they come for you, tell them the marriage no longer meets your requirements and shut the door in their face. You come first. But nothing you do will influence him. Im praying time is on my side. In our house its almost as if hes dead because of how hes totally abandoned us. I left him but he never stopped contacting me. Stay strong. The rest of the night we were okay, his dad was here so I knew we wouldnt discuss it, we didnt discuss anything and it was a decent night. But I get so upset bc I know if he is still speaking with her, he should in NO WAY be living in our home. If I gave marriage advice to any young couple always have a back up plan and emergency $. I feel like they are evidence we did something right. When I was asking for is to go to counseling he said no. So is his snide comments that you seeing another guy. Then its over. You are stronger than you think. Do you know if I will get your email address sent to me? I would have confronted both, demanded he move out and only let him back if I was convicted it was over! K. You are doing fine!!! During the conversation, you do not yell or get upset. It finally got through. I hope you can see this. Your email address will not be published. My CH didnt really seem to be an a fog and just cut all contact with the OW. I feel like it would have pulled him out of his affair fog real quick and made him do a reality check but now I struggle with guilt and anger at myself because it ended up going on for years and years and years afterward because I did not have the backbone to do that. I dont know how this has happened. And if hes NOT worried about losing you trust me b/c I have experience in this he may continue this pattern indefinitely. But she knew exactly what she was doing. Is The Cheating Spouse Living With Regret? Well, no you dont know how I feel. But maybe im wrong. He texted me and said he would be home in 15 mins. The longer the 180 goes on the more likely it will be that you will no longer have hope of Reconciliation. I am sorry you dont have the courage or respect to tell me the truth. And sometimes I feel like when all is said and done, he is going to finally see this for what it is and see how WRONG this affair was and how much he has disrespected me. So, I guess, both of us, in dead end street & whatever we do in future, the outcome might be the similar. It blows my MIND. we are seeing a councillor. Linda: A lot of the experts caution that even though you do come back, does the betrayed spouse want you back? His affair resumed 6 weeks later with same OW and in 2 months asked for divorce. How im SO insecure now when I never was before. His reaction had taken him by surprise. ???? If he declines to discuss honestly, refuses MC and will not try to compromise, then you will soon realize you have nothing to work with. Continue to be supportive of her but stop begging her to do anything as you can see that isnt working. They both state no sex but I dont believe it. You have told him he can be with the other woman all he wants. That is how far our dynamics have changed. His behavior is unacceptable!!! He is dressing differently and acting differently too..he even updated Facebook to show in a relationship with her before others even knew we were separated then he deleted me and blocked me since unblocked me hasnt added me again. But I am his wife. But it is a calm rational approach. I tell him I feel like he hates me, but he says he could never hate me. He threw in the towel. And it seems like at moments he is completely out of the fog, he seems to be here, himself, wanting to be here, enjoying it. Do you think it is possible to commit fully to this 180, while he is living here, and he will see it and maybe open his eyes? And it wasnt as though the lies and truth were forthcoming. I dont want to live under her thumb. When thats not it at all. It blows my mind honestly. Add in that we planned for a baby and are now raising our beautiful 5 month old daughter, I am trying to be fair to him and not keep her from him in any way, while also maintaining my sanity and possibly my need to move on from him. I too went through the limbo stage but I was getting the I want a D discussion. He commits to reconciliation and helping you heal AND being the guy you married. Am I staying in bed too long in the morning with him? We got into a massive fight prior to me doing the 180, I think i told you about it, and he texted me after saying we have to end this, you are too impatient and youll never be convinced im not talking to that girl.I never asked what he meant by me being impatient, but I think he basically just wants time to decide what he wants. If I told you the outlandish things my H said to me during the A you would ROFLMAO. I always look back on the fog, having come out of it, and say WOW. He finally gets it. He is just too cowardly to say it. He was no longer a bit arrogant. But its not. It blew my mind. It is such a neat (I know some wont like that word choice) experience to feel how messed up my thinking was. Honestly, I tried to even make it a better life than what we had. He is being selfish. One day when my H decided he was divorcing me I told him that I will never remarry so he should plan on paying alimony the rest of his life. But had you left you would not have had to watch the affair continue for years. Innocent my arse!!!!! Thank you for another dose of great advice. You just sped up the process and got yourself out of living in limbo. From what I have read he is a typical cheater. But part of me just puts so many random puzzle pieces together and thinks he is lying. The A fog (the state yiur H is in) will make you crazy. Or get him to make a decision. I think you may have been the best thing to happen to me right now. We have all been through some aspect of the above I some way shape or form. I keep drawing back to all the good memories and it makes me sad that my kids have such a dysfunctional secretive father who is likely now showing his true colours. I think i was pushing her further it to his arms. Or me NOT inviting him and hes left out and im inconsiderate. And then he stopped or curtailed his bar nights. But it was the most defining moment b/c I took back my power and restored my self esteem. Get a lawyer. Im glad I found this blog, so I could vent safely! Im not playing. I dont talk to him, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me as Im trying to deal with surviving this entire ordeal and Ill send him a how horrible can you be text message. It was so bad I had to call the OW to see if she knew what was going on. When all I want is to do things with HIM and the baby, like we would have been doing prior to all of this. Around 9:15 he sent me a text saying be home before 10. I believe he would have been totally happy living a double life but I foiled his plan. My friend came to me and let me sob on her shoulder while she told me how she and her H had gotten thru an affair 30 years before, which entailed him moving out and in with the local bartender. Come crawling back or find another OW. But then again most Betrayed Spouses are destroyed and devastated by the infidelity. I do not actually feel like cheating. So I had the same issue with two people in my household at the same time!!! I make sure I am in control off my life. Many of these stories are helpful. I know that today is the worst day I have had in a long time. K Im telling you this b/c I could never change his behavior. A father. His response? But it was my Hs idea to change. Is this at all possible to do under the same roof without hating him? And a happy emotionally stable parent alone is better than the hell you are living in now. So im just going to stick to this 180, be CONSISTENT in my actions and reactions as much as possible and see where it gets us. You are NOT doing anything wrong. But re/read 1 and 2 above. And if there is any contact whatsoever you should not waste your time and energy on her or the marriage right now. He still is at the bar everyday after work and comes home at night. Right now he still doesnt care if he loses me. I dont even think he thinks about this the way I do. And its these thoughts that deter me from the 180, bc when I have thoughts like this I just want to tell him he should go. The old line love you but not in love with you. Again, I wish SO BADLY that a few weeks ago when I asked him to leave and we left on decent terms and he reached out multiple times a day and was terrified to lose me, I wish I had stuck to that and continued to let him feel the loss of me. Walked out to my car, started looking at them and thought I throw up right then and there. Hes slowly deconstructing their lives by ruining us financially. Youre absolutely right. You need him to be a man. He makes sly comments sometimes. & whatever we did before, in the marriage is a death sentence, already. Midlife Crisis: Signs, Causes, and Coping Tips - HelpGuide.org Is that stupid? c. You also tell him that you have noticed that the two of you are on two different paths. I dont even know why. He has to want it enough to try, and hes DEFINITELY not there yet. He is in the babys life. I say Im trying hard to trust him. She was surprised and said OK. I will end up being the one that got away if he lets me get away. I said to him you are a grown man. You just told me not to obsess over her anymore and here I am completely obsessing. Just a thought. The only fog he appeared to have was to think she was an innocent party. I dont even know what to DOOOOOO at this point. Midlife Crisis: Signs, Stages, Timeline, & More - Healthline Im working out, im a great new mom, im getting in great shape and everyone is noticing, and hes waking up most mornings hungover. Only this week, his counsellor validated my view, stating that in her opinion the OW knew exactly what was going on and was lapping up his adoration. BTW after your married what was his schedule in terms of going out with friends? he can live whatever life he wants, and for some reason it does make me feel better. You never had an opportunity to think, Gosh. He immediately quit his job but has continued to secretly speak to the other woman. Or him telling me he isnt going to stay here, even though I JUST KICKED HIM OUT. (Ive told you this so im sure I sound like a broken record) and then I let him come back home and the whole cycle started again of us slowly morphing back into our relationship and he gets scared saying its going too fast and hes afraid everything will go right back to what it was.
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